Bang on Loosely by Valente Lili

Author:Valente, Lili
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Self Taught Ninja
Published: 2020-02-02T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Thirteen

Theodora

I’m losing my mind.

No, worse—I’m losing my heart.

I have no idea what I would have said to Cutter if Zack hadn’t shown up, but no doubt it would have been a mortifying mistake.

He’s in love with Megan. He has been for years.

Yes, he’s physically attracted to me, but that has nothing to do with emotional attachment for him. For Cutter, sex is like an especially excellent bike ride—a lot of fun, but you’re not going to doodle your bike’s name on your grocery list with hearts around it while you’re at home alone, wishing your bike was there with you.

He’s the kind of guy who has fuck buddies in cities across the world and doesn’t get attached to any of them. I’m the kind of girl who’s slept with a grand total of five men and was positive I was in love with every single one. Looking back, I realize that most of my crushes were cases of chemistry shoplifting my emotions, but at the time, I was positive the feelings were real.

I’ve never slept with someone I didn’t care about. I don’t have a moral objection to it; I’m just not wired that way. In order for me to get naked with someone, it has to be about more than pleasure.

“Except when you went home with Cutter last fall,” I mumble as I push through the staff entrance to Claudio’s.

Cutter and I had a great time that night, but I was under no illusions that it was more than physical attraction. I didn’t think I was falling in love with him. I thought that he smelled good and tasted even better and that his hands on me felt nicer than anything I could remember feeling in way too long.

It was a carnally motivated decision.

Pure and simple.

But it’s not simple now, and as I open my locker and change into a pair of linen pants and my chef’s coat, I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to have Cutter’s lips pressed to the top of my head as he held me close, promising he was the kind of person who made friends for life.

For a moment, I’d felt so special.

But I’m not special—not as special as Megan is, anyway—and the sooner I accept that, the less I’m going to suffer. I have to put this stupid crush out of my head and focus on getting my ducks in a row to open the new restaurant.

It’s the only sensible thing to do.

Too bad hearts aren’t sensible creatures. They’re hopeful, romantic things that only see the silver lining, ignoring the raincloud full of lightning until it’s too late.

I’m torn about what to do next. Should I end the fake relationship? Confess that I might want a real one? Immerse myself in work even more so I have no time or energy to worry about my stupid feelings? I’m so deep into wrestling with myself that I don’t realize Gene isn’t alone at the bar until I’m halfway across the restaurant.

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